Sister Dagger is the hinge of a V-Triad, complemented by her husband Kriek and the illegitimate husband Chias. Despite the fact that she works fulltime, juggles two husbands and is mother to a wonderful son, she decided to share her wisdom and insights regarding the poly lifestyle. Here she will try to document the journey that is not only her marriage to multiple men but her life in general. Despite all of the chaos that sometimes ensues, there are always Sweet Reasons for living in a poly relationship.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Monogamy - the misunderstood lifestyle
This is something that's been bouncing around in my mind for some time now. Let me tell you how it started:
My father is a Reserve Air Force Chaplain, currently on duty. He's in charge of a morgue. He accepts and processes the numerous bodies that come back to America from overseas. Not only that, he counsels the families of the dead soldiers, as well as the others in his command. That's just the tip of the iceburg of his job. There's more to it, but it should give you an idea of the enormity of the stress he's been under for the past three years. He's had to give up his congregation here in Maryland, first on hiatus, then he decided that he couldn't justify leaving them without a Pastor for an indefinite length of time. His orders kept him where he was. So, he resigned. It was a hard decision for him to make, but ulitmately the right one.
My father has changed a lot over the past three years. He was never horribly close minded before he was activated. However, now he's very open minded. He's seen and dealt with things that no one in thier right mind would want to be near. He's become close with his commanding officer, who confided in him that she was a lesbian. He's accepting and tolerant of other beliefs to the point that I wonder where the man who raised me went.
This all got me started thinking about narrowmindedness and openmindedness.
Just about everyone likes to think they are openminded and accepting of alternate lifestyles. Very few actually are.
Take the average Christian, who is supposed to be accepting and tolerant to all, according to what the Bible teaches. Yet, these are the same people who villify paganism.
Flip it and you also get Pagans who villify Christians as being moronic and closeminded and will not pay any attention to some of the very good advice Christians can give.
Both Christians and Pagans believe in the basic good of people. Both believe that there is a God (however they may call Him by), but both also believe the other is completely wrong, and therefore must be wiped out. Neither seem to be very tolerant of the other. Despite what they both preach.
The same can be said about monogamous people and polyamorous people.
Monogamous people say that we're evil, and deluding ourselves. Just finding a way to cheat and get away with it, etc.
Polyamorous people say that monogamous people are deluding themselves, and should open their minds, and that monogamy is a myth.
Where is the tolerance and the acceptance that we, as polyamorists, would like to have?
If homosexuality is genetic, that would mean polyamory is as well, which would also mean that monogamy should be as well.
We are correct when we say "Susie Q is just wired to be [a lesbian]or[poly]".
Isn't it also correct to say "Susie Q is just wired to be monogamous"?
How can monogamy be a myth? Are we, as polyamorists, so closeminded to believe that monogamy is wrong?
Yes, in the past Cro-Magnon Man was not monogamous. Because there were so few of them. Genetics at the time needed them to propogate the species. Therefore, both men and women were fairly promiscuous. Men just needed to spread the seed, and women would look for the traits in men that would produce healthy, strong babies.
Yet, if animals evolved, so did humans. We no longer need to propogate the species to survive. In fact there are so many people that the planet is having a hard time keeping up. Genetically speaking, the need to spread our seed has declined. Our genetics evolved.
I believe that, for polyamorists, we are wired to love more than one person (not necessarily in the physical sense). I also believe that monogamists are wired to love one person. Neither are wrong. Neither are a myth. If we want to be recognized as a valid way of life, if we want to be recognized as open minded and reasonable, we have to be able to afford that same principle to those that are monogamous. To get respect, you have to give respect. While I agree that respect is earned and not given, are we any better than our monogamous counterparts if we turn around and tell them they are deluding themselves?
Saying "monogamy is a myth", is basically our way of defending ourselves against those who ridicule our way of life. But, seriously, you don't deal with a bully by insulting them.
I'm reminded of my father again, he's shown more real Christian faith in the past 3 years, shown more of what I believe Jesus was like. He's shown more acceptance, more compassion, more tolerance, and more love to those not of his lifestyle or religious faith, than before. Not once has he bullied any of these people into his lifestyle. He hangs out with them in bars, goes to work with them, holds thier hands, goes to comedy clubs with them, is, in short, a friend they can talk to and rely on.
Everyone has a path in life. Who are we to say that monogamy is wrong? For almost as many years as polyamory has been around, so has monogamy. My parents made it work, my grandparents made it work, my great grandparents made it work, and all were content and happy. Following thier own path in life.
We need to be as tolerant as we say we are. We need to get off our high horse, swallow our pride, and project the love we feel to those around. If we attack, we'll be attacked. I don't mean we should go pacifist, but we can't allow our anger at the injustice or intolerance to overwhelm us so that we become what we despise the most: Being close minded and ignorant. Have pride in your polyness. Stand up for your rights. Go on marches for poly.
Just please, remember, monogamists are people who love just as strongly as we do.
Sister Dagger is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Sister Dagger; November 21, 2006
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