Sister Dagger is the hinge of a V-Triad, complemented by her husband Kriek and the illegitimate husband Chias. Despite the fact that she works fulltime, juggles two husbands and is mother to a wonderful son, she decided to share her wisdom and insights regarding the poly lifestyle. Here she will try to document the journey that is not only her marriage to multiple men but her life in general. Despite all of the chaos that sometimes ensues, there are always Sweet Reasons for living in a poly relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

In the Dark

I hate being in the dark. It's lonely, frightening and brings up all sorts of insecurities.

I am not referring to the abscence of light. I'm referring to the abscence of communication. I dislike finding out 'after the fact'. It turns my stomach and makes me want to cry, stomp my feet and generally act like a 3 year old. If you add in very important information that I need to have that I don't know about and probably wouldn't have had until 'after the fact, you get one seriously neurotic Dagger on your hands.

'After the fact' bothers me. 'After the fact' brings up feelings of jealousy and betrayal. 'After the fact' is a precursor to cheating to me.

I have to ask myself how far in advance I want/need to know very important things while still respecting the privacy of those around me.

Our triad recently starting discussing the 'ground rules' for exploring other relationships.The conversation came almost 'After the fact'. We haven't actually had time to sit as a family and write them down (so to speak). Though I'm fairly sure we're all on the same page now.

The lack of communication was so pronounced that I never saw it coming. I never saw myself as someone that should be 'tiptoed' around in regards to being open and honest with. Yet, barely in time, a very important piece of information was finally divulged to me that should have been delivered a long, long time ago.

I reacted, at first, very well. I was happy for him. Yet, as more information became available to me, I became more and more upset. He had yet to actually talk to me about it. I was hearing all of this through another party. According to my source, the situation had been going on for awhile. That actually didn't hit me till later, when I discovered how long it had been going on. Maybe his charmingly irritating (or is that irritatingly charming?) way of forgetting things contributed to it, but when we finally talked about it, he said it had only been a few months, when in fact, my own research can prove it'd been going on for almost a year. And not one word spoken to me about it. In fact, since I can be horribly dense, I didn't notice one change in his behavior that would even elude to the situation.

The situation took a header when he was pretty much forced to talk to me. If he hadn't, we would have run into the 'cheating' territory. I don't know if anything would have happened that would fall under our definition of cheating. I do know that, if the circumstances had played out that way, I would have been extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing.

To shed some light(because I hate the dark), my husband wanted to date another woman. The time span between when I found this out and the time they would meet to explore a relationship was horribly short. I barely had time to wrap my mind around it before she showed up. I encountered some very negative feelings in that week. Foremost was the feeling of betrayal. Not because he had feelings for another woman, but because it didn't seem he was going to talk to me about it. Because it seemed he wasn't going to talk about it until 'After the fact'. At which point I would have felt so much worse.

I've been struggling with some pretty major trust issues because of relationships in the past. I discovered years ago that communication is a must. Honest, direct communication. Communication in it's many forms (which I may write about at later date). Communication 'Before the fact'.

He did talk to me about her at length after some fairly hard prodding. He seemed to realize afterward that I am approachable. That he can talk to me about anything without fear that I will 'go off'. I can't always promise I won't be hurt or upset by what he says, but I can have a productive conversation.

I can't say as I'm completely comfortable with my husband dating this particular woman. It's not that I don't like her. Actually, I can't tell if I like her or not, having never spoken to her. What has soured me is that lack of communication about her until the last possible moment. What I feel is lying about how long thier relationship has been going on has also soured me on him dating her. I believe that if you want to date someone outside your family group, you should be honest and pretty darn quick with the information. Don't let anyone be in the dark about your feelings so that everyone knows what's going on. Without this, people tend to fill in the blanks, and what they fill those blanks with isn't always good. It leads to insecurity, jealousy, and several other negative emotions that aren't helpful in making a relationship, any relationship, work.

I'm working towards healing my wounds and regaining trust. I find myself morbidly curious as to who he's speaking to at all times. He tends to keep things inside a lot. I respect his privacy so I don't ask. Besides, knowing that he probably does talk to her turns my stomach enough, I don't want to know the rest. The twists and turns of the whole situation has set me on edge.

As I mentioned before, our triad has talked about some ground rules for future similar situations. Now that I believe we're all on the same page (at least the same chapter), I can relax my guard a little. I do know that if the situations reverse themselves, and I find I'm attracted to another man, I will probably run away screaming into the night. I do not want my husbands to feel the way I do at this particular point.

I've been told by both of them to 'never say never'. I do agree with this. I do not think it is out of the realm of possiblity to think that someday I would meet someone I'd like to date. I just hope it's not soon.

Sister Dagger is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.

Sister Dagger; July 21, 2006


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