I am a third in a Female, male, female Vee triad that is just starting down the road of Polyamory. My boyfriend and wife have been married for 6 years and we are all working towards moving in together in a few months. All of us are very involved in the LARPing (Live action role play) community in our area, and we also table top game whenever we can. I very much love singing, fantasy literature, and almost anything anime. I hope that I can give a happy view of a life I never dreamed of but always wanted in my heart.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Cleaning out Closets
So you would think this column would be about learning to share your love with another person, but no it’s about me learning to share my life. I have been so gung ho about being poly and living the life style but I completely forgot one of the major rules, being open and honest.
I came into this life thinking that everything beforehand was my problem, something that I had to deal with on my own. So there I was trying to hide bills, figure out where my cats would go, deal with my soon to be ex-husband, and any number of other things that I had placed in the old life category. What I had not thought about is that this whole time Lynne and Tom were worrying about me, both knew something was going on but with me not sharing they were lost. I was so willing to share my heart and my love but when it came to my problems I was a closed door, locked and bolted. I was scared to show them my down falls, I wanted so bad to be a grown up strong women and I was only causing heartache and pain to myself and the people I cared about.
One night as I got ready for bed Tom and I were talking and it all started to come out, all the bills, the feelings, the fears. Tom looked at me and said that I have been talking the talk but not walking the walk, I needed to know that this was a relationship in which we had to share EVERYTHING; good and bad. Tom and Lynne were changing their whole life around me, they have been married for going on 7 years and here they were changing their way of living so I could fit. They were depending on me to be honest so we could all plan our future together a future built on dealing with all of our problems together with love and understanding.
I had been so stuck on the fear of everything coming down on top of me that I had not shared my whole self to the people who really could be there for me. I needed to open that door that I had closed so tightly and let all the skeletons fall out, and with the help of my family put all of them to rest. My family had already opened their lives to me; they wanted to know my problems. I would not have to fear being yelled at like a child, I was a grown up and as such I could share like one and not worry that the people who loved me would turn me away.
In my married life I constantly hide my problems from my husband because he either did not understand or told me I was being dramatic if it had to do with my emotions. When it came to money or every day life issues he would treat me like a child, telling me I was bad for what I did or making me feel dumb. The sad thing is that if someone calls you something enough times you start to believe them and even start to act that way. So I here I was acting just like he said dumb and childish not letting help be given when I really needed it. It’s good that I have such a loving and stubborn man in my life know who was willing to make me see that I could still be a grown up even when asking for help.
I know that this will not be an easy path for me I am so used to hiding and only giving out what I think people need to know. It’s going to take some time for me to finally understand that I am not on my own in this, that every part of my life is important to the whole. I do not want to be that person you see in all the movies and books who does not share their problems and ends up paying for it, most times in death or other equally sad downfalls. Of course, that’s a little dramatic but if I can not learn to share it could mean death to my new and very much sought after relationship. I know that if I can just learn to truly accept all of the poly lifestyle that all of my dreams of a happy and skeleton free life could come true.
Catanya is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Catanya ; October 03, 2007
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