This section will feature interviews with folks living in a polyamorous lifestyle. If you are involved in a poly relationship in any way, or are a poly friendly professional who would like to be interviewed for this section, contact us for more information.

Previous Interviews With A Poly can be found in the Interview Archives.

Interview With a Poly
October 18, 2005

Cunning Minx is the creator and host of Polyamory Weekly, a fantastic podcast which features tales from the front of responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view.

Many thanks to Minx for taking the time out of her busy life to conduct this interview with me.

What relationship type are you in now? For how long?
I'm in a... "W", I guess. At the core are my lover Graydancer, who is married to Genevieve, who also has a lover in New York. I have another lover, FencerT. Graydancer and Genevieve have been together for six years; he and I have been together for nearly four years, and FencerT and I have been seeing each other for two years. None of us are fond of hierarchical terms, but Graydancer and I do consider ourselves in a primary relationship, just as he and Genevieve are in a primary relationship, separate and different but equal.

Any other configurations in your past relationships?
No, this is my first! I've always been curious about the idea, but I've never had partners who were open to it, and I didn't know enough to do more than hint at suggesting it.

How do you deal with jealousy? Is it even an issue?
Oh, PLEASE! As if jealousy could NOT be an issue! We all get jealous from time to time. What carries us through is, first of all, recognizing that jealousy is an emotion like any other and shouldn't be given more weight than, say, fear or joy or sadness.

Second, jealousy can be dealt with by the same skills that carry us through all other difficulties in our poly relationships; the capacity for self-knowledge, self-examination, brutal honesty and open communication. I don't believe that there is this one emotion called "jealousy", either. Jealousy tends to be an insecurity or fear within us that is ignited by a certain situation. And it's important to recognize that the insecurity is within us; while the situation might shine a light on the insecurity, it is something internal that needs to be dealt with as such. Changing the external situation won't attack the root of the insecurity or jealousy; it will only provide more fertile ground for it to rear its head again later. This is why the desire and capacity for self-knowledge and self-exploration is so important for poly people.

In a monogamous relationship, while the insecurities might be present, it's possible that no situation would even arise in which they would be brought to light. With a poly relationship, however, it is likely that one could discover insecurities and fears that one never even knew were there!

Additionally, remember that there is no shame in admitting one is jealous. It tends to be seen as an ugly, unflattering emotion, so more than once I've heard, "I'm NOT jealous! I just don't want to see you with anyone else!" It takes a lot of courage to shake off the negative connotations of the word jealousy and admit that's what one is feeling; an emotion, like any other, that can be expressed, explored and ultimately dealt with. But that is part of the honest communication that we all strive for.

Did you always identify as poly, or did you just end up in that type of relationship?
Weeeell; while I would say that I've definitely been poly-curious or poly-friendly (I used to have romantic fantasies about meeting some fabulous, wonderful guy, and then meeting another one!), I did sort of fall into this type of relationship; I fell in love with someone who was poly. However, I definitely had some poly in me before that; I just didn't identify that way because I didn't know it was an option.

Are you raising any children in your poly family? If so, what are the age ranges and parental breakdown (i.e. biological vs. non).
I am not, no. I live separately from Graydancer and Genevieve, who have four daughters (all Graydancer's by a previous marriage), three of whom are teenagers living at home.

Are you out to everyone you associate with? If yes, how did this come about? If not who are you out to? Just family? Just friends? Some combination of both? What are some of your thoughts on the issue of the poly "closet"?
I am out to most of my friends and one open-minded family member. I am not out professionally, since many of my clients are conservative and might see my orientation as "slutty" rather than open-minded. Also, I believe that for me, it's none of their business. I am also not out to my mother or brother, since (a) we are not a close family and (b) they live in Texas and are very conservative, and (c) I'm too lazy to try to explain all of poly to them. My mom, after all, is still trying to wrap her brain around the fact that I don't want to be married!

As for coming out, I believe it's a personal decision. Many folks have told me that they've come out with no ill will or negative effects at all; some have tales of being disowned, losing custody of their children, being called names or worse. I certainly do not believe in telling anyone he or she should come out; it's not my decision to make because each person's circumstances are unique.

I know of some who remained closeted because they taught small children but came out once they found other jobs. I know of one who came out professionally and didn't lose a lick of work because of it. Heck, I might even come out to my family one day, simply because the task of explaining poly might be less work than the task of covering it up.

Short answer: it's a personal decision. No one but you knows what's best for you.

Does your current culture embrace the poly lifestyle?
I'm not sure what you mean by culture, but since I'm active in the BDSM community, I'd say yes! I have surrounded myself with tolerant, poly-friendly friends and lovers to the point that on occasion I forget that poly talk is NOT always appropriate dinner conversation!

How do you, as a family, deal with issues (lifestyle, practical, emotional) that come up?
We tend to deal with issues as couples; Graydancer and I deal with ours, he and Genevieve deal with theirs, FencerT and I deal with ours, etc. I personally would like to see more contact among members of our family and decisions being made together as a family, however.

How do you, as an individual, deal with issues (lifestyle, practical, emotional) that come up?
Well, now, that's a question, isn't it? Mostly Graydancer and I will sit down and use our mantras of brutal honesty, continual self-exploration and sharing joy. Communication, communication, communication, right?

Personally, the tools in my problem-solving toolbox are honest communication, self-questioning and Zen mediation. Oh, yeah, and LiveJournal.

What made you decide to do your weekly podcast, and where do you find the inspirations for your shows?
Well, now, that's a story! It started with my watching Graydancer produce a podcast, saying, "Well, gee, I can do that!" and rambling about What I Thought into a microphone for half an hour. While the show started as a means for me to explore my own personal thoughts on polyamory, the focus shifted fairly quickly; as more and more listeners subscribed and wrote in, the show sort of transformed into a forum, a community resource for poly people everywhere.

You might notice that in the last few months, there are a lot more resources mentioned, more announcements about conferences and events, and more interviews with both listeners and experts addressing all types of poly issues. Most of the interview and show topic ideas come from either listeners or the things that come up as I attend BDSM and poly conferences and meet various people and share ideas with them. I've been known more than once, after attending a good poly seminar at an event, to chase down the speaker and shove a microphone in his/her face!

Also, when I can't get to conferences, I read quite a bit within the poly communities on LiveJournal, which is sort of my own second home.

What insight would you give to folks considering living in a poly lifestyle?
Uh, gee, hard to say when you don't know the circumstances! I guess I'd say to read and discuss The Ethical Slut before you do ANYTHING else, talk about why you want to go poly and what you think the rewards might be, what you are afraid of, and make sure that you are willing to constantly work on your communication skills and do some relentless self-exploration for a very long time. And know, too, that poly might not be right for you, and that's OK, too. Polyamory isn't going to be a solution to anything; it's a lifestyle and relationship orientation. It will change you, and it will change your relationship.

What message regarding our lifestyle would you send to folks living "mainstream" lifestyles?
I would just like to have folks be aware of what we are: people who are just like you, but who welcome the possibility of more than one loving, long-term, committed relationship with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

We are your neighbors, your ministers, your lawyers, your teachers and your supermarket checkout girls. We ask for the same tolerance of our lifestyle (and maybe one day, civil rights) that you ask of us for yours. If you have questions, just ask; we're happy to share our experiences and beliefs.
And no, we're not hitting on you.

Any other thoughts / comments / insights you wish to share?
By the way, if you were wondering, no, it's NOT all about the sex!

Actually, one thing you didn't ask was what I get out of being poly. This is the Mission Statement that Graydancer and I came up with as to why we are poly and how our relationship orientation enriches us:



The Polyamory Weekly podcast is featured every Tuesday and can be found on the official Polyamory Weekly website, or here on the Polyamorous Percolations website under the Extras Section.

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