This is my monthly column about our life, life in a triad in general, or whatever rants & raves I feel like talking about at the time.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Chronicles of an Illegitimate Husband
I've made quite a few references to the term "IH" (Illegitimate Husband), all when talking about myself. I coined the term as a joking reference to my position in our family and I'm okay with it. To some, however, it might not seem funny and could in fact cause feelings of resentment to develop. Before our family "came out", it wasn't always easy to be the IH. I would often times find myself feeling like a third wheel, particularly when the Wife's Sister and her Husband would come over. We get together somewhat frequently to play games and just spend evenings together, and for me it was uncomfortable to be in a tenuous position as far as the family went.
The point I'm trying to make is, if you plan to add additional Spice to your family, take some time and think about the emotional issues that this will entail. If you can simply make these changes in your lifestyle and have them open from the beginning then that's fine. But, if one or more people have to hide or refrain from telling the entire truth about how they fit into the family, then this is where things could get a little edgy for all involved.
One example of this in our family involves a local Pagan group that Kriek belongs to. He had asked me on many occasions in the past to go with him to different events or gatherings that the group was holding. While I was and am very interested in taking part in these outings, the problem arose from the fact that the Wife's Sister was and is also very active in this group. This meant that if I was to partake in these outings, then I would feel the need to lie or cover up my true position in the family to spare the feelings of those in my family. Because of this reason, I never took part in these events. After we came out, things were different and I started doing these things that I had previously refrained from.
Luckily for me, our family came out within a relatively short period of time. Others might not be so fortunate though. If you find your family situation to be one that needs to remain closeted, consider the feelings of the IH (or Illegitimate Spice) as you conduct your day to day life. This won't be easy, as the members of the family that are legitimate may lose sight of the fact that not all are living on a level playing field. Keeping the lines of communication open will definately help all members of your family to feel less distress, but may not always work to solve every problem that arises.
You may be forced to choose between the health and well being of your family and the desire to remain closeted to guard against the sometimes negative pressures of society. This won't be an easy decision, but when the happiness of your family is at stake it will definately be an important one.
~ Chias, May 16, 2005
folks have read this article.