Sister Dagger is the hinge of a V-Triad, complemented by her husband Kriek and the illegitimate husband Chias. Despite the fact that she works fulltime, juggles two husbands and is mother to a wonderful son, she decided to share her wisdom and insights regarding the poly lifestyle. Here she will try to document the journey that is not only her marriage to multiple men but her life in general. Despite all of the chaos that sometimes ensues, there are always Sweet Reasons for living in a poly relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

I'm just not in the mood

Sharing a spouse has got to be one of the most difficult things a human could do. From the time we are 2 years old the phrase "MINE!" becomes one of the first sentences we utter. Fast forward to adulthood, and while we are 'supposed' to be mature we find ourselves with "MINE!" still ingrained in the synapses.

That's why I'm amazed at the men in my life. Yeeesss, most of the time they are still 2 year olds fighting over the new thing in camping gear, however when it comes to me, they are light years ahead of their monogamous counterparts. They have no problem sharing me. My attention, my love, my bad moods (which they are more than happy to hoist off on the other), and intimacy with me; they don't feel neglected or that the other is getting the lions share. They've worked out their issues.

I haven't.

One of the common misconceptions about polyamorous families is that we're in it for the sex. Let's table that for the moment since we all know it's pure bunk.

Let's talk about sex.
Sex and women.
Now that everyone is paying close attention...

Most women have a different view on sex. It's actually quite difficult to describe, and I believe the general populous of women would agree with me, that we don't even understand how our minds work when it comes to the subject. However, at one time or another I'm sure all women have said, "I"m just not in the mood."... and meant it. Men can't seem to get their minds around this phenomena. It's like we've spoken in another language for a brief moment.

Now, how about we shove this situation into a Poly life. Let's use my family as the guinea pig. I am the female in a MFM triad. A MFM straight triad (both men are straight, as am I). It falls to me to perform the 'wifely duty' (as they like to refer to it). Now... tack on scheduling difficulties, a 7 year old, physical illnesses, unexpected visitors, the ever-monthly visit from womankinds hated Aunt Flow, and then, to make it just that much more interesting, split that 'duty' between two healthy sexually robust men. The last thing they want to hear is "I'm just not in the mood."

My issue is that I can't imagine HOW they don't have a problem sharing me. I'm 'not in the mood' a lot, for a variety of reasons, which are no one's business thankyouverymuch. Suffice it to say, neither of my spice has ever forced themselves on me after I've said this phrase. I always feel bad (well, not always, sometimes I'm just plain grumpy) when I put them off. I feel I have to apologize, which makes me feel angry because I shouldn't have to apologize. Etc. ad nauseum.

I'm the center of a balanced family, and I have to remind myself that, to a certain extent, I am responsible for the health and well-being (sexual or otherwize) of those in my family. That's a lot of pressure. I know they don't count how many times they've each had sex to see who's getting more, but I feel the responsiblity weigh heavily on my shoulders to make sure 'they get theirs'. It makes it difficult to be in the mood sometimes. No, they've never implied, inferred, or otherwise suggested that it is my responsibility, or that I should be so overly concerned about it, this is all my own neurosis.

When we're 2 years old and we're asked to share a toy, the inevitable response is "NO! MINE!". After awhile, most 2 year olds realize that sharing isn't so bad, and will take turns with the other. I have to remind myself that it's not up to the toy when 2 year olds learn to share. And that I don't need to analyze it to death when they are sharing. I don't need to stress myself out and overthink the situation so much it becomes an issue I use as an article on a polyamory site.

Not that I'm a toy...

Sister Dagger is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.

Sister Dagger; August 21, 2006


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