AlmostFLYin2 is a single person who found Poly as a member of a quad. Even though her long term marriage ended due to that relationship, she has realized that the Poly lifestyle is still something she is open to. She is breaking into the world of single life as an adult for the first time after a 14 year relationship. She has 2 kids she also has to coordinate her time for. She is tackling not only the world of dating as a Single mom with baggage, but also trying to find Poly relationships while discovering a new sense of self at the same time. She will be sharing the milestones and ideas she has on the entire journey by using quotes that she has found that fit the situation.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Polyamory and the singleton
My life has not been easy, My path to poly has been even harder. I am currently not in a relationship with anyone except for myself, and I intend to keep it that way until I know I am ready to move on.
I have read numerous articles describing what Polyamory is, how it should feel and the best ways to ensure its success and even how to ensure its failures. I have seen articles and writings from couples just embarking on this journey, couples who are at a mid point, and other people who's relationships have failed or are failing. One thing I have not seen is how to prepare yourself for a poly relationship if you are alone.
I am not an expert, I have never attended college. I am however a feeling and thinking human being. I have been loved and hurt, praised and scolded, coddled and left alone.
I am starting my journey over again. I jumped into poly with both feet and a blindfold on my first try. Not surprisingly, it turned out very badly. I am still recovering from that experience. Because of it though, I have had to take a good deep look at myself. Much as couples have analyzed their relationship with each other before starting their own journeys into Poly, I am now looking at my own relationship with me.
I would like to offer a few suggestions before anyone who is single tries Polyamory. Before they get involved with a couple, or even another single who is open to the lifestyle. I am using some terms here that many do not agree with, I use them because they are the best way to get the point across. I like quotes so I have chosen a few that relate, for me at least.
1. "To Thine Own Self Be True"
Be sure you know who you are, what you want, and what you do not want. This is very difficult for many of the people I know. I found that I was modeling other peoples habits and doing what I thought they wanted me to be or what I thought I needed to be, not what I wanted to be. I am now finding out who I am, what I want in a mate or mates, and what I will not tolerate. Only then can I decide what kind of relationship I can be in.
2. " The Secret To Happiness Is A Good Sense Of Humor And A Bad Memory"
Don't make yourself miserable, enjoy life, find happiness in everything you can that is happy. It is much easier to be yourself if you aren't always depressed. Laugh if you feel like laughing. I was surprised to find myself laughing hysterically one day after watching my kitten run at full speed across 2 rooms and then miss a doorway by a foot by crashing into a wall. Surprisingly I felt a lot better for the rest of the day. You need to try not to dwell on the bad things that have happened to you. It is ok to learn from mistakes, it is not good to have them become a part of the foundation of your personality.
3. "If Your Lucky Enough To Have A House By The Water, Your Lucky Enough"
OK so its not directly relevant. It says a lot though. Be happy with who you are. If you aren't happy with yourself, how can anyone else be happy with you? I know I am heavier than I would like. but I have accepted that it is part of who I am. I will never find someone who truly loves me for being 125 pounds if I am 180. I am accepting who I am, what I look like, and that other people will accept that as well. One other thing to think about is if being a "secondary" added into an established pair is something you want or can handle. for many people being a third at first is good enough, for some it isnt.
4. "No Boy Is Worth Crying Over And The One Who Is Won't Make You Cry"
I say "boy" simply because I am a girl. The point I am making is if you are in a relationship that is not making you happy, if it is not letting you remain who you are, then it might be time to rethink the relationship. This is often harder than simply staying in the relationship. I believe that human beings are not designed to be monogamous, but I also believe that we are designed to know many partners in our lives. I know my grandparents have been together for almost 60 years, yet I don't think I ever saw myself with my husband for that long. We were meant to wander and mix our intelligence and skills with many other people. I believe it is part of our evolutionary process. but that is just my opinion.
5. "This Too Shall Pass"
No matter how hard it is to be alone, you will find someone someday. Be positive with yourself, be strong in your faith, beliefs, and ideals. There is someone or someones out there for everyone. We all just have to be patient enough to let them find us. The best way to do that is to truly and honestly know who WE are first. and then stop looking, and just let it happen.
There is no way to make any of these steps easy and these are certainly not the only things you have to do. I have found from my experience that these are the things I should have done first, not 9 months and a 250 mile move later. But I now have the opportunity to learn from My mistakes so that I don't repeat them.
AlmostFLYin2 is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
AlmostFLYin2; May 30, 2006
Top
folks have read this article.