AlmostFLYin2 is a single person who found Poly as a member of a quad. Even though her long term marriage ended due to that relationship, she has realized that the Poly lifestyle is still something she is open to. She is breaking into the world of single life as an adult for the first time after a 14 year relationship. She has 2 kids she also has to coordinate her time for. She is tackling not only the world of dating as a Single mom with baggage, but also trying to find Poly relationships while discovering a new sense of self at the same time. She will be sharing the milestones and ideas she has on the entire journey by using quotes that she has found that fit the situation.
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"The best defense, is a good offense"
YES its from football *yuck*, Yes its been used to describe how to drive, but in this case it was my plan for a new Poly relationship. I have not had many successful Poly relationships so I seem to be erring on the side of caution, especially since I have sufficient scars from past failures that are slow to heal.
I first found DL on an online dating website using their picture matching section. I found his profile was so interested that I didn't have the guts to contact him for another month. When I finally sent him an e-mail saying why I was interested in getting to know him, I had a feeling there was a good reason that I was taking this person so seriously.
He wrote back. We talked online a few times for hours each time. We both stated that we were both Polyamorous and agreed what that meant. We planned a public meeting. That went well so we planned on introducing me to his SO. That went ok, not fantastic but ok.
I describe myself as being mildly empathic. It's not so much an extra sense as much as being able to read peoples body language and facial expressions well. It has the same effect of knowing when someone is not telling me when something is wrong. She seemed to be tolerating me but wasn't entirely thrilled about it.
Some days I get great Ideas when I need them. I had one of those. I talked with DL and suggested that I should talk to SC. I NEEDED to know that she was ok with him having a relationship with me and to calm my nerves I needed to know what she expected of me if that happened.
DL and SC talked about it, DL and I planned an overnight trip for me to visit, (he lives 85 miles away from me), BUT only with the mind set that if SC said "no overnight" It wouldn't happen. He seemed to think it was no big deal but I could tell he was nervous, I was all butterflies and queasiness.
"The Best Defense......."
I stopped by his work to say hi and gather strength and find out any last minute details I should have, then showed up at his house, 2 pizzas in hand, to spend time with SC. We discussed the pizzas, chit chatted, then I said point blank..
"I need 3 things from you before I can have any relationship with DL. I need to know YOUR rules, I need to know what you expect from ME in OUR (hers and mine) relationship, and I need your permission to have a relationship with DL"
We then discussed what her rules were, mostly concerning safer sex and time management. We discussed how much she wanted me as a part of her life. As it happens we were both on the same wavelength. We discussed our pasts and why we felt the way we did, we discussed keeping communications open so that problems do not fester in the future.
Once DL came home from work, he asked if I could spend the night and it was OK'd. The 3 of us chatted some more and I commented that it seemed like MY new job was to keep DL out of trouble. SC seemed to like that answer. Awhile later we took SC to work and DL and I had a wonderful night together.
The next morning when SC came home I was trying to be polite and let DL be hers again. To me it felt safer to not flaunt it in front of her. I washed some dishes while they did their morning routines with each other. At one point I made a comment that I would like to join DL in the shower, her reply was to go ahead. I was floored!
"....Is the best offense."
I know this relationship is still very much in NRE. I do know that I will have no questions about weather I will offend her because I have talked to HER about it. I can't control DL but I do know that by personally hearing the rules and expectations, I can ensure that I at least, will not be breaking them, I will not be hurting someone else with my own ignorance either.
I know that not every established Poly relationship is as stable as it may look at first glance. SC and I have already had separate moments that DL has had to deal with where our brains went and assumed the worst because it HAS happened before. It was discussed, and worked through.
Having laid a foundation for this group, I have a feeling that the potential hurdles that most new Poly relationships face, will be easier to handle. Honesty has been shown from the start, trust is building instead of being assumed. No one has to guess what the others are thinking.
I am hopeful that this will be a LONG journey for me.
"The best Defense, is a good Offense."
But don't quote me on that!
AlmostFLYin2 is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
AlmostFLYin2; November 9, 2006
folks have read this article.