AlmostFLYin2 is a single person who found Poly as a member of a quad. Even though her long term marriage ended due to that relationship, she has realized that the Poly lifestyle is still something she is open to. She is breaking into the world of single life as an adult for the first time after a 14 year relationship. She has 2 kids she also has to coordinate her time for. She is tackling not only the world of dating as a Single mom with baggage, but also trying to find Poly relationships while discovering a new sense of self at the same time. She will be sharing the milestones and ideas she has on the entire journey by using quotes that she has found that fit the situation.

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VARIETY is the SPICE of Life

Hmm variety, isn't that what Polyamory is all about? So now I go from one man, then two men, then NO men, then two men, and now three men, and all in a year.

For the last few months I have been struggling with the question of, "Am I really Polyamorous?" Why? because when I thought I was in a Poly relationship with my ex and another couple, I was hurt by it. This was partly due to overwhelming jealousy on my part but it was not just MY jealousy that was the problem. I have tried justifying it by stating that it was not the type of relationship that was the problem, just the people in it. But I did not have a second plane of reference, I had nothing to compare it to for myself. I was fearful that I could easily love many, but that I would be overrun with jealousy over my lovers other loves. That didn't seem fair for me to do to someone else.

I seem to have fallen into the Poly life and didn't see it coming. It is a pleasant surprise that it seems to be "going" how I felt a Poly life , for me at least, should. It has its bumps, but so far they are minor.

It is a bonus to be able to date more than one person at a time. A modern day time saver. I decided that I did not have time to spend dating one person exclusively, I do want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, but I don't want to spend months with the wrong ones in the search. I found a poly friendly dating website and set up my profile, then went hunting. I found at least a dozen men who I have started talking too, most of them I initiated contact with. I was happily moving through the dating thing, letting every one know my standpoint of Poly right off the bat. and finding a number of new friends who accepted my lifestyle choice. We had the chance to start getting to know each other without the undertone of "what if it does not work". For me dating Poly actually made it easier for me to not get emotionally overwhelmed. I was able to like a bunch of people and that kept me from falling head over heels in love with the first person I met.

As a Side note, many of the people I befriended then introduced me to other Poly people as well. My network of open minded friends, is growing. I have the unusual ability to start with a clean slate, I do not have to worry about "coming out" to old friends, I have none left to worry about. My family already knows what my thinking is and understands that it is MY choice, they can accept it or not.

I met a few people, expanded a few relationships I had started, and allowed myself to be happy about it. This in itself was an important step. I was not sure that I could even love again, let alone love many.


Variety, defined as "A number or collection of varied things, especially of a particular group; an assortment" by This seems to fit my "collection" of partners right now.

I recently had a time when I felt totally alone, during that time two people came shining through for me, one who has become a dear friend, almost my big brother "with benefits" but not THOSE benefits. Someone I can talk to, be crass with, who gives me great job references and who was there when I just need someone on the phone to listen. I love him dearly and would be crushed if he ever wanted to end the friendship. He lives 4 states away but in this relationship it works well. We each have our own lives and share all the juicy details about them with regularity. HG and I have agreed we aren't interested in each other romantically, just as great friends.

My next suitor is a guy I was talking to right before I went into the hospital. While I was there, I had no way to tell him I was ok. He actually sent me a number of e-mails asking where I was, worried that I was dead, and even stating he had googled me looking for info. He was worried about me. AK and I had really only begun trying to form a dating relationship, but I was sure I wanted one with him. We just never seemed to have schedules that meshed and just had not gotten to that next step yet. So far we have only talked and flirted in Instant messages and e-mails, but we have perused each others profiles on a dating website regularly. He lives just over an hour away so the potential for a physical relationship there offline is good. If we can get our timing worked out.

My third love (and yes I say that honestly), was a total surprise. we met in a MMORPG. Again it is an online relationship, started in a fantasy world but quickly leaning to reality. In my past, I have often found some of my best long term friends in relationships that started online. He lives half way across the country from me so a physical relationship is not possible at this time. But we do have an online VR world we go on "dates" in. We video conference 1-2 times a week, exchange multiple e-mails daily and talk constantly in yahoo. D is sweet, loving, honest, jealous, and caring. everything I want in a partner, just too far away to get hugs from regularly.

I have a variety, I have a Big Brother in HG, a snuggle buddy (possibly) in AK. and a lover in D. All take me to different places when we are together. They all make me happy in different ways. I have a variety, something I could never have imagined a few years ago, before I found Polyamory. The best part is I do not have to hide anything or feel guilty.

I have three relationships, all different, all with the potential to give me the things I need that I cant get from the other two. Isn't that what poly is? they all know about each other, and knew going into relationships with me that I was poly as well.

" the SPICE of life"

OK well I'm not talking about SPICE as in multiple spouses, just in the spark that adds flavor to something. My existence in this case.

I have been having a wonderful time, spending probably far more hours online than I should have with D. He has told me little things I have never been told before. He swept me off my feet, like a knight in shining armor. He has knowledge of things I have had a deep interest in and is willing to help me learn of things I want to learn. He has accepted the things I was scared to reveal about my recent past, and he has listened to all of my concerns and wanted to talk things through instead of running away. In short the exact opposite of what I had in the ex. I wonder if I have fallen too fast? if I have fallen too hard? BUT I decided that I might as well be happy now and to stop putting my ex's flaws onto someone else just to make myself miserable.

I would like to see my relationship with D grow a LOT more, but I am being careful and cautious. Maybe not as careful as some people would recommend but I am thinking of my well being and I am doing what my head tells me is right and what my heart tells me it likes and finding the halfway point between the two.

I mentioned to D that I had been interested in dating AK and oh boy! his first reaction was "are you leaving me?" I was confused, I KNEW I had stated "I am poly" was told the same thing back when we met, We had even discussed my views on it etc. so why this reaction?

D was hurt, and jealous. Then I was hurt by his reaction. It felt like when I said "I am poly" he thought "she will accept my other relationships" not "she has other relationships". I was upset that his immediate reaction to me telling him about AK was to ask "are you leaving me?". I was surprised by it. I told him "I am POLY, I can love many", as if that was the answer to it all. We then spent the rest of the day discussing, like reasonable adults, what we both felt Polyamory was. How we saw ourselves fitting into Poly. How we felt about the other persons definition of Poly. We did what you are supposed to do, we were open, honest, and communicative. We had a problem and solved it by discussing it without hurling insults and accusations back and forth. Our relationship did grow that day. Many questions were answered, and some tentative plans were made a bit more solid.

Unfortunately my relationship with AK seems to have taken a step backwards, but that will take some time to discuss through as well. I am sure that we will at least remain friends even if he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with me now. its the whole timing thing again, he is busy with work, I hope this weekend will give us a chance to talk a bit.

The ease of which the comment, "I am Polyamorous" was made, and the fact that I didn't have to think about weather I even believed it or not was a "WOW" moment for me. after months of worrying about my feelings and thoughts. all of a sudden I had an answer.

"Variety IS the Spice of Life"

But don't Quote me on that!

AlmostFLYin2 is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.

AlmostFLYin2; September 7, 2006


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