AlmostFLYin2 is a single person who found Poly as a member of a quad. Even though her long term marriage ended due to that relationship, she has realized that the Poly lifestyle is still something she is open to. She is breaking into the world of single life as an adult for the first time after a 14 year relationship. She has 2 kids she also has to coordinate her time for. She is tackling not only the world of dating as a Single mom with baggage, but also trying to find Poly relationships while discovering a new sense of self at the same time. She will be sharing the milestones and ideas she has on the entire journey by using quotes that she has found that fit the situation.
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If you're going through Hell, Keep Going!
I have always thought of Hell as being a very individual thing for each person. My Hell might be a lot different from yours. Some people envision Hell as a horrible place with flames and a scary looking guy with a pitchfork and horns. Other people see Hell as someplace a person is sent to for eternal punishment. There are some who believe that only a specific belief will keep you out of Hell and others who think only specific things can put you there. There are many references to Hell in fiction as well. One I remember (from the And Eternity series by Piers Anthony...I think), was a place where people wandered naked, cleaning up streets until they had paid their debt. No one ever left, the debts were never paid.
Every person's Hell is different. My Personal vision of Hell is a place where I can not be happy, where I can do no right, where everyone hates me, and where there is no way out. It is also a place that I did not choose to be, but I was sent there by others. In my Hell there is no other side, there is no exit, there is no escape. Thus the reason this quote is so meaningful for me.
If you're going through Hell......
Many more times than I care to admit, I have felt like I was in Hell. I felt like I was being punished for something and it made me miserable. When my Husband of 12 years told me he refused to be away from his girlfriend for a few days, to help me though a time of mourning, I was in Hell. Not only was I refused comfort when I needed it, but it was because he would rather have a sexual relationship with her than a personal one with me. I was involved in a relationship with her husband at the time, when I went to him for some comfort I was accused of being unreasonable and hurtful, simply because I needed some time and stability to recover from a drastic change in my life. She had decided that her relationship with me did not matter, I was only the baggage that got in the way of her true goal of having my husband whenever she wanted. She made it known to both men that I was the one who wouldn't fit in, that all the problems were my fault. Yes it was Hell, and for 2 months I continued living in that Hell. Hoping, praying, wishing and crying that my husband would see where I was and rescue me. I was told repeatedly that there was something wrong with me. I even checked myself into the hospital for a short stay because it had gotten to the point that I felt that I had nothing more to live for. I was sent home because they didn't find anything wrong with me, but nothing changed. I did whatever I thought I had to do to fix the situation. Nothing worked.
Then ALL HELL broke loose, My Husband told me the only way to save our marriage was for him to go and live with his girlfriend. I told him if he did it would end the marriage, not save it. I was crushed. I thought "We" had tried so hard to make it work, turns out it was only me. He was trying to make me change to fit his way of making it work, I wanted things to stay the way they had always been. After I confronted him, he got physically abusive for the first time in our 14 year relationship and I knew it was time for him to go. I had tried to help friends in the past who went back to abusive situations, simply because they couldn't see the other side of their own versions of Hell. I had him arrested for domestic abuse. I was still miserable, but for different reasons. Surprisingly though, it suddenly no longer felt like Hell. I had passed the worst point, there was a light approaching that was what I needed to follow to get out, I was heading uphill out of Hell. Though doing anything uphill is hard, leaving Hell behind did make it a bit easier.
.....Keep Going!
Yes I kept going, I went from feelings of "Oh my god my marriage is over" to feelings of "WOW I can do so much more with my life now". I no longer needed my anti-depressant medication. I had opportunities that weren't available before all of this. I had access to services, simply because of my time in the Hell my husband put me through. I could finally get money for college, daycare, medical assistance, and even food. Not things I want to receive forever, but things to keep pulling me up that hill and back to level ground.
I had to take a good, hard look at myself. I had to decide who I was going to be next. I had to think about what kinds of people I wanted to be with as friends and eventually lovers, so that I don't end up back in Hell. I even had doubts about the lifestyle I had been living in. In time I realized that my ideas about polyamory really hadn't changed. My feelings were that every relationship was a two way street. Good communications were a necessity, but compassion, forgiveness, and acceptance were much more important than just being able to talk about things. The quad that I had been in didn't offer those. We were all great at speaking our feelings, knowing what we wanted. But what never happened was anyone accepting and respecting each others feelings, mostly the men involved gave over all control to one person, It became a majority rule and I was not the majority.
I also realized that my marriage had NOT been as stable as I had thought. I had been living with someone who had an addiction to sex and porn, I didn't see it because I had become numb to it. We had not dealt with the problems from earlier in our marriage, I had just started ignoring them to "make things easier". I had spent so many years burying the feelings of inadequacy, feelings of loneliness and feelings of being an object. Years of Hating when My husband touched me because it always felt like all he wanted was sex, not love. The years of the "You don't love me, because we never have sex" routine. My Light was a realization that I would be better off without him, because he had been emotionally abusive for years. I also now knew that It was not MY fault. I had a HUGE realization that all of the things I thought I wasn't, were merely my feeling like a victim. I started in group and individual counseling, I have "treated" my addiction to being a victim. I am growing up and moving on.
I went through Hell, but I kept going. I am arriving at the other side a much happier, healthier and better person for having made the journey. I have learned much, lost much, and even loved much, but now I have so much more.
If you're in Hell, Keep going.....eventually it gets better! (But don't quote me on that)!
AlmostFLYin2 is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
AlmostFLYin2; July 9, 2006
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