These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Que Será Será
I’m not even sure where I should begin this particular column. As you all know, I skipped last month’s column due to “personal issues.” By now, most of you know what those personal issues happen to be, and I’m still questioning whether or not I can write my column.
This article could possibly be about definitions. It could be about how different people define the very same word and about how that can lead to complete and utter breakdown in communication. It could be about how three different people have three different definitions for one very common word and about how that leads to feelings of betrayal, confusion, hurt, anger, bitterness, and heartbreak. But it’s not.
This article could possibly be about agendas. It could be about how one spouse has had his/her own agenda for a very long time and took advantage of what was already a painful situation to advance that agenda. It could be about how everyone in life always has an agenda and about how sometimes those agendas collide so forcefully that everything in the way gets blown to smithereens. But it’s not.
This article could possibly be about the ripple effect and about how when something happens in the life of a person in a poly relationship, the ripples carry out and effect everyone else involved in that person’s life. It could be about varying degrees of commitment or about trust issues or about abandonment issues. It could be about reaching out when a person needs love and support the most and not finding a single hand there reaching back. But it’s not about any of those things either.
It’s about Doris Day.
I’ve been tied up in knots for weeks. I’ve been unable to eat solid food…you know, the kind that involves chewing…for weeks, and I can’t tell you the last time I’ve slept through an entire night. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t cry at least once.
I’ve been putting myself through mental gyrations that totally exhaust me. Will we make it? Will Wife and I be able to salvage what was one a very tight friendship? Will Hubby and I really be able to remain together if I move out? Will he really split his time between two entirely different homes or will he get really tired of that really quickly? Does he really love me? Does she really hate me? Did I honestly do something that terribly wrong? What could I have done differently? Will he go will he stay will he leave me is this just an easy way to get me out will he change his mind later will she miss me will she be sorry will she finally see all I’ve done will they both realize that they’ve taken me for granted for quite some time will she pick up the slack and pull her own weight will she go to work will they survive do I mean anything to anybody? The questions go on and on. They make me physically ill. They exhaust me. They make me feel insecure. They hurt.
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. All I know is what I would like for the answers to be. That’s all I have to work with, and for now, that will have to suffice. I’ve decided to take Doris Day’s advice after all…
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said
Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que será, será
What will be, will be
Whatever will be, will be.
I’m willing to give this the good ol’ college try, because I love him, because he’s very important in my life, because I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it. As for answering all my questions, I guess I’ll have to answer them as I go along. Que será, será.
PolyAnna; July 08, 2006
PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
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