These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

Que SerŠ SerŠ

Iím not even sure where I should begin this particular column. As you all know, I skipped last monthís column due to ďpersonal issues.Ē By now, most of you know what those personal issues happen to be, and Iím still questioning whether or not I can write my column.

This article could possibly be about definitions. It could be about how different people define the very same word and about how that can lead to complete and utter breakdown in communication. It could be about how three different people have three different definitions for one very common word and about how that leads to feelings of betrayal, confusion, hurt, anger, bitterness, and heartbreak. But itís not.

This article could possibly be about agendas. It could be about how one spouse has had his/her own agenda for a very long time and took advantage of what was already a painful situation to advance that agenda. It could be about how everyone in life always has an agenda and about how sometimes those agendas collide so forcefully that everything in the way gets blown to smithereens. But itís not.

This article could possibly be about the ripple effect and about how when something happens in the life of a person in a poly relationship, the ripples carry out and effect everyone else involved in that personís life. It could be about varying degrees of commitment or about trust issues or about abandonment issues. It could be about reaching out when a person needs love and support the most and not finding a single hand there reaching back. But itís not about any of those things either.

Itís about Doris Day.

Iíve been tied up in knots for weeks. Iíve been unable to eat solid foodÖyou know, the kind that involves chewingÖfor weeks, and I canít tell you the last time Iíve slept through an entire night. Thereís not a day goes by that I donít cry at least once.

Iíve been putting myself through mental gyrations that totally exhaust me. Will we make it? Will Wife and I be able to salvage what was one a very tight friendship? Will Hubby and I really be able to remain together if I move out? Will he really split his time between two entirely different homes or will he get really tired of that really quickly? Does he really love me? Does she really hate me? Did I honestly do something that terribly wrong? What could I have done differently? Will he go will he stay will he leave me is this just an easy way to get me out will he change his mind later will she miss me will she be sorry will she finally see all Iíve done will they both realize that theyíve taken me for granted for quite some time will she pick up the slack and pull her own weight will she go to work will they survive do I mean anything to anybody? The questions go on and on. They make me physically ill. They exhaust me. They make me feel insecure. They hurt.

I donít know the answers to any of these questions. All I know is what I would like for the answers to be. Thatís all I have to work with, and for now, that will have to suffice. Iíve decided to take Doris Dayís advice after allÖ

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said

Que serŠ, serŠ
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que serŠ, serŠ
What will be, will be

Whatever will be, will be.
Iím willing to give this the good olí college try, because I love him, because heís very important in my life, because I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it. As for answering all my questions, I guess Iíll have to answer them as I go along. Que serŠ, serŠ.

PolyAnna; July 08, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.


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