These writings contain my experiences and opinions. The opinions are personal in nature, not professional. I am not a professional; I have no degree. These are the insights I have gleaned from living four years in a polyamorous relationship.

Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.

Walk Before You Fly

I was recently in a position, with a relative who had just learned of my lifestyle, where I pleaded, “Please just try to understand.” She didn’t. Not even a little bit. In fact, she went from believing that I am a good, intelligent, moral, and kind person, to believing that I’m a bad, stupid, immoral, and dangerous person. One decision, with which she did not agree, totally erased 36 years of shared respect, tolerance, and familial love.

I have agonized and agonized over this, and I’ve just had a rather startling realization. We, such as anyone who leads any sort of alternative lifestyle, are asking for too much too soon. Most everything comes to be understood one baby step at a time, yet we’re expecting to jump off of a cliff and fly. It just doesn’t work that way. We all plead for understanding in one way or another, and what I’ve just realized is that we need to start a few steps back—with acceptance. We need to start by asking people to not understand us, but to simply accept us.

There are a whole lot of things that I accept, but that I simply don’t understand. Take religion, for example. I’ll never understand religion, especially Christianity, and I actually try. I don’t understand why people need rules for them to know the difference between right and wrong. I don’t understand why people don’t actually believe in themselves enough to think that they can deal with their problems, so they have to turn them over to a god. I don’t understand why people need the threat of hell in order to keep them from stealing and raping and just generally mistreating one another. I think that religion is, by and large, a crutch, and I don’t understand why anyone with more than four functioning brain cells needs that crutch.

I do, however, accept those things and those people. I even love and respect some of those people. I accept that many people believe in something that they cannot see or hear or touch. I accept that many people need archaic and biblical rules in order to conduct themselves accordingly. I accept that many people need a god to believe in so that they don’t have to believe in themselves. I accept that my aunt is a very religious woman, a good woman, and that she’s never going to understand me. I accept it all, and that’s what we need to be asking for as well. Acceptance.

You don’t have to understand that I love more than one person. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand that I’m married to more than one person. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand that I’m intimate with more than one person. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand why I don’t feel the need to be someone’s everything. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand that I don’t need someone to be everything to me. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand how or why my partners feel the same. Just accept it. You don’t have to understand anything about all of this or anything about me. Just accept me as I am. Before you knew, after all, I was still living in this manner with these people, but in your mind, I was still an intelligent, decent person. All it took was an accidental slip of the tongue from someone else, and everything about me changed in your eyes. Let’s back up. I (we) don’t need for you to understand. I (we) just need for you to accept.

So many times, we also try and get people to agree with us. We want them to agree that what we are doing, how we are living, is okay. We want them to agree that this way of life is actually better. We want them to agree that society judges anyone different too harshly. We want them to agree to a lot of things. I think that asking for agreement is another example of jumping off the cliff and hoping to fly before we’ve even taken the baby steps in order to learn how to walk. Instead of asking people to agree with us, with our thoughts, with our ways, maybe we should just ask for respect. You don’t have to agree with my decision at all. I just ask that you respect my decision because you respect me.

The truth of the matter is, I don’t understand you, but I do accept you. I also don’t agree with you, but I do respect you. All that I (we) ask for, is that you return the favor.

PolyAnna; January 01, 2006

PolyAnna is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.

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