"The life of a blended family". Our Poly Life is written by any one of a poly-fi quad. Each month they will share with readers about issues they face as a blended and committed poly family with nine children still at home. You can read more about them at their website; Our Poly Life.
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Just Keep Swimming…
I think Walt Disney was on to something with his visions of uplifting messages despite the unusually dismal beginning scenarios in most of his films. The idea that a person can change their circumstances or affect the future based on the desires of one’s heart is possibly the most amazing “discovery” of man to date.
There is no denying the challenges our quad has faced in the last few months. Maybe it’s the added stresses of having the kids home all summer, or the interrupted schedules, or the constant medical issues. Maybe it’s the moon’s misalignment or some bad karma, but whatever the reason, this has certainly been the summer of our discontent.
I can’t accurately pinpoint the beginning or the trigger for the more heated aspect of our summer, but it did seem all four of us were in some sort of “figure it out” funk. We have been moody, sullen, resentful, jealous, possessive, depressed, easily irritated and downright crabby the majority of the last three months. I think under the circumstances any of us (well, some of us) might have suggested throwing in the towel had it not been for one very important thing. We’re just crazy about each other.
As a group we have a blast together. In threes we do equally well. It’s the dyads that seem to be suffering the most at the moment. Ok, really, only certain dyads are having issues – the primaries. Honestly, that’s the part that confounds me the most. How our loving and stable double digit year relationships went from iron clad to volatile eruptions all the while enjoying ourselves and having the absolute time of our lives is truly a quandary.
I think we’d all agree the NRE has dissipated and we’re functioning on raw personalities now. So the thought that we’re all still simply twitterpated with our opposites really doesn’t hold much water. I’ve actually given it a lot of thought and although I have my fair share of theories, so does everyone else. And none of them are anywhere close to meshing.
All of us have been walking around in some sort of fog recently, each trying to decide what we need to change, to do, or not to do to take away this edginess we all feel. We are pretty clear on what the issues are, but finding a solution that meets everyone’s needs has been difficult. We require a most intricate system of give and take, and the process of figuring out all the checks and balances has been messy. We almost seem to be dancing around each other, hoping time alone will heal us, hoping we don’t set each other off in the mean time.
One thing I won’t deny is how strongly we all seem to feel about keeping ourselves together. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I’m certain what the answer is NOT. We made a unanimous and resounding choice to stick it out, figure it out, and work it out.
We all see the big picture. We all want the ideal. We all have the same thoughts and feelings about what our quad is and can be. And it’s a beautiful image. We have had post NRE glimpses of how wonderful we are together, and how smooth the waters in the good days. We all have visions of the future and what it holds. The question is this. How do we get there from here? What is the next step? How do we get from disillusion to settled resolve?
In the world of monogamy, especially the faith based faction from which we came, there are hundreds if not thousands of books and articles that help couples bond and reattach. But the world of poly is a make it up as you go along deal. There are no right and wrong answers. It’s all about what works for each individual relationship. So it’s up to us. We know it’s within our grasp. We know we are holding a most precious commodity in our hands. We know what can be is truly worth whatever we need to give to it. The old adage about time and love healing all wounds must certainly be true. And so we wait.
Until we reach the stage in our relationship when things are settled and predictable; until we are able to find the doubtless niches that each of us hold, and until we are all totally comfortable with the roles we each have chosen for ourselves and our quad, there will be more stormy seas to traverse. So, for the time being, we’ll just keep swimming…
Temptress, Fix, Goddess, and Mr. Big; September 13, 2006
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