Old Dog, New Tricks
by Somerset
RD060307
Somerset is a man in his seventies who has only recently begun to search for compatible women for open relationships. He prefers sexual variety and treasures his independence. This series, Polyamorous Possibilities, is the sequel to his Potentially Polyamorous series exploring open relationships. Both this series as well as the first one are archived for reference.
One of the most fascinating things happens when I open the doors of perception, when I stop living a mundane life and consider new and different possibilities; start developing new ways of seeing. Suddenly I’m flooded with information and with opportunities, often more than I’m able to assimilate easily, and feel provoked to enter into some new experience. In short, I’m learning to learn and to grow.
My most recent example of this began only four months ago, when I started to examine polyamory and to find I like much of what I discovered. Within a matter of days I found a lover who has gently but comprehensively led me into an experience of that lifestyle. What have I learned from and with Shirley that I may choose to take with me into any additional sexual relationships that I may have?
- The romantic ideal has many shortcomings: “love”, possessiveness, jealousy, obsession, compulsion, exploitation, patriarchy, dependence, monogamy, fidelity, exclusiveness, and so on, While some facets of that ideal may be acceptable to many, if not most, persons, it is unacceptable to others, who then need to define their own alternative lifestyle. That is what Shirley and I have chosen to do.
- Two of those alternative lifestyles are swinging and polyamory. They have many features in common. Both have a good number of variations, so those who choose either of these styles will generally custom design their particular variation, depending upon their preferences, and will modify them as circumstances change. Shirley’s choice, generally stated, is swinging; mine, broadly stated, is polyamory. We both feel confident enough to be able to trust that the other will not knowingly subject us to unreasonable risks and heartaches.
- Shirley chose swinging for several years until about ten years ago but now says, “I'm not looking for more sex or a variety of people ... I’ve had enough ‘variety’ in my life...... much nicer to have someone I enjoy spending time with out of bed and in bed, then just enjoy what time we have together... in the last two years I haven't met anyone I’ve been ‘tempted with’ … With the way I live here (except for when Jim [name changed] lived with me), I can't see it happening now...” Jim is a close friend who she has known for several years and with whom she continues to have sex occasionally. She says she would have no objection if I were also to have an additional lover or lovers. Her need for companionship is possibly higher than her need for sex which, she says, tends to be dormant until she is stimulated by an appropriate person, in appropriate circumstances, at an appropriate time.
- My choice is polyamory, although, because of my current relationship with Shirley, I have not felt any desire to find new sexual partners recently. Like Shirley, I could be tempted should the “right” person, or persons, come within my orbit. My need for sex with attractive women is possibly greater than it is for companionship. My present experience with Shirley has turned out to be ironic and not a little amusing. My previous partner abandoned me because I said I would like to have multiple sexual partners, even though I undertook not to do so while we were lovers. Shirley finds it interesting that, since she wouldn’t object if I have other sexual partners, I, at least for the time being, choose not to search for them!
- Both Shirley and I are very protective of our individuality, our privacy, and our independence, so Shirley prefers that we introduce each other as “good friends” and avoid any display of public or private affection that may hint in any way that we “possess” each other. I have learned that this is appropriate behaviour for those who choose swinging or polyamory since their lifestyles need be of concern to nobody but themselves.
- In following up on the possibility that we may find potentially new sexual partners, Shirley and I have different approaches. She says, “I would tell a new partner that I have a friend now that I see occasionally but I wouldn't say anything about you until I knew that other person better... I'd never go to bed with someone unless he understood first that I have no intention of it being a permanent (full time) relationship … Like I did with you when we met, I’d make it clear, first, that I need to feel I have my total freedom.”
- I prefer to disclose the fact that I have other lover(s) immediately a potentially new lover and I indicate to each other, implicitly or explicitly, that we wish to have a sexual relationship. Like Shirley, I wouldn’t discuss anything about my other lover(s) until I knew a new lover well. I accept the strong possibility that my disclosure may, and quite probably will, scare off a potential partner. I simply prefer that there will be no important personal facts hidden that might, if revealed, discourage that woman from enjoying a continuing sexual relationship with me,
- One way in which I may make such a disclosure to a potentially new sexual partner might be to invite her to read this and my previous series of articles.
- So, will I start to search for additional lovers? My answer, like one I’ve made previously, is ambivalent. It depends! It depends entirely upon circumstances -- mine and Shirley’s.
Yes! Maybe it is possible to teach new tricks to an old dog!