Maya is the hingepoint in a MFM V-triad that currently maintains a long-distance-relationship element. Her partners are Zuke, to whom she's legally married and in a relationship with for a total of 13 years and Kai, whom she's known for 18 years and in a relationship with for about 1.5 years. Maya and Zuke have 3 children and Kai has 2 from a previous marriage. With the ups, downs, distance and juggling -- this is Maya's Mayhem.
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Making Every Minute Count
A pressure that one might not experience so intensely in a locally based poly relationship is the need to make every minute count.
After six months of not being together, we just completed a three week 'visit' with my other love, Kai -- and again, the amount of pressure to get projects done, fit in personal interactions, family activities, attention, affection, etc.... is enough to make any workaholic beg for mercy.
During the visit, we had several job-related crises that had to be addressed so Kai was tagged with child transport duties to and from school, took over cooking, house care and upkeep and planning for a building project. At the same time a Kindergarten graduation, a change in daycare arrangements, building of a deck, Father's Day, a visit home for two of us, my sister's wedding, a relative diagnosed with terminal cancer, and shopping to set up a new household all occurred. We squeezed in three date nights, tried to juggle sleeping arrangements and realized that our oldest is starting to process the situation in such a way that will require more discussion with her. We visited multiple properties in hopes of finding the perfect land on which to build or with an existing house; we spent more time in Lowe's than I care to acknowledge and tested new recipes (hey, that was fun!) on each other.
Frankly, I'm exhausted. After Kai's departure, I did some minor things, but then woke up the next day completely ill. After a night's sleep, I returned to bed to sleep another six hours, which is incredibly unusual for me.
All the down time we planned didn't occur. I have a honey-do list that will probably be pending for the rest of the year. They have projects they want to get done in addition, and I see us being occupied just with house and family projects for at least eighteen months. We did discuss scheduling down time, having "relaxation-only" visits, and setting semi-hard outlines on date nights and personal time -- but they weren't agreed upon and are still nebulous ideas floating in the 'when we get time to think' zone.
I haven't had time to get annoyed about clothes left in a pile on the floor after showers, beds not getting made, no down time in the evenings in which to either watch TV or play cards or whatever. When dinner for the adults isn't getting on the table till 9:00 or 10:00 pm and you're feeling grateful to manage a shower before collapsing into bed, it's harder to just 'be'. We're living by a schedule and a family project list with small windows of opportunity to get things done, to enjoy each others' company and nurture relationships in person.
To just 'be'. I suspect I'd find annoyances, quiet moments where I could just think about things. That I'd have a few moments to think in poetic terms of family, life, relationships. Instead, I'm on the go sun-up to sun-down and then some -- making every minute count.
I'm hoping that with our newly shortened distance that Kai will become more a returning family member on a short week rotation than the very significant visitor arriving who we prep for by scouring the house clean, filling the fridge and clearing the Lowe's card in anticipation of projects. I dream of us all sitting 'round on that newly built deck sipping icy beverages or logging hours in the crisp new hammock, playing with the kids and simply 'being' at our ease, letting the moments pass idly by on a summer breeze.
In the meantime, debriefing is penciled in through email and voice calls, between the tidying up and finishing of projects that only made it to 90% completion and our regularly scheduled family, job and general life circus.
Maya is a contributing writer as well as a member of this online Community. She can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
Maya; June 21, 2006
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