This column will be a documentation of our journey--as a couple--into the
realm of polyamory. Since we are in the process of navigating this path
right now, this column will detail issues, problems, and roadblocks that we
encounter--as we hit them.
Previous editions of this column can be found in the Monthly Columns Archives.
Revelations
This first one is going to detail a bit of our relationship as it existed
"B.P.R.--Before (our) Polyamory Revelation". I think it is important to
lay the groundwork for where we are coming from in order to see where we
will be going.
What happens in a long-term relationship when the "rules" change? This is
the journey that RM and I find ourselves on after 20 years of marriage. RM
has a metaphor for it (we both tend to think in metaphors)--that we have
built this "house" (our relationship), but recently we have discovered that
some of the foundations (who we really are) are not where we thought they
were. The walls of our house need to be moved, rebuilt, and
reconfigured to fit the foundations that are there instead of the ones we
thought were there. We are in the process of that "remodeling project" now.
RM and I met in college. We were "theater people" and fell in love during
tech week (a fairly common occurrence). He was a shy boy, but very smart,
very sexy and very snarky. I was a "wild child" girl--with a history of
dramatic sexual relationships, multiple partners and a poor self-image. We
were young and emotionally immature when we became a couple, and like many
people we didn't really face some of the underlying issues we brought to
the relationship.
For the sake of RM's security, and because I had this idea that it was the
"right" and "healthy" thing to do, I tried to give up the part of me that
wanted other relationships with people. Over the next years of our marriage,
it became obvious to me that I could not--no matter how hard I tried--stop
myself from "falling for" others, which produced guilty feelings, conflict
with RM and one physical and several "emotional" affairs. These incidents
left RM feeling insecure about our relationship, and left me afraid to bring
up certain topics, for fear of conflict. Communication suffered, as you can
imagine.
The other "elephant in the room" in our relationship was RM's bisexual
feelings, which we had discussed, but did not know what to do with. Our
discussions tended to revolve around the concept that the only reason RM was
hetero at this point was because I (female) "got there" first. Whether this
is true or not, RM has never acted on his bisexuality. Being a shy person
with a strong sense of ethics and a commitment to what we had constructed as
our relationship came first.
After many long years struggling, as many people do, with infertility
issues, we had two children. The stresses of that process were a
contributing factor to many problems, including my affair and subsequent
depression, as well as RM's insecurity and desire to protect me. Another
side effect of this is that to a degree we have both subsumed our own lives
into our kids'--a common mistake, and one we are digging out from under
right now. I also realize that particularly after my daughter was born I
suffered from fairly serious post-partum depression, which I am only just
beginning to recover from. We have busy lives, minimal social contact with
other "grownups" especially since our daughter was born...we used to be
active members of our local historical reenactment group, but gave it up
when it became difficult to manage with kids. I have just finished a
graduate degree which took 2 1/2 years and has been stressful, though which
may help in the long term ease some of the financial stresses we also have.
This was the situation until about 2 months ago--when I started blogging in
an online community, where several of our other friends also have blogs. In
the course of getting acquainted with the community, I began to come across
the term "polyamory" in several of our friend's postings (what's that!?)
and was confronted with the idea that the "open relationships" of these
friends of ours (which I had always been peripherally aware and vaguely
contemptuous of) were a facet of a bigger thing...and a little bit of
research into what exactly this "polyamory" thing was blew my mind--I looked
at the definition and I saw myself. Suddenly I had a word--a term--for
feelings I have had my whole life and a validation that these feelings were
not sick, or wrong, or something I necessarily had to (or could) struggle
against--which I had been trying to do for 20 years and which was adding to
my depression. I felt (and still feel) as though a huge burden has been
lifted off my chest.
Sharing this information with RM was one of the most difficult things I have
had to do in my life. I knew that his immediate reaction to my revelation
about my poly nature would be to hear that I wanted to have sex with other
people, which is not true, or that I wanted to leave him, which is also not
true. What is true is that I want us to be on this journey together. Our
relationship is a fundamental aspect of both of our lives, personalities,
realities, etc. Neither of us can imagine going down this road without the
other. The process of working this out has entailed a lot more talking than
we had been doing for years, which is a good thing.
We have had many late-night conversations since those first ones, to the
point that we are both even more sleep-deprived than usual, but we have come
to a fuller understanding about this journey we are on. We have come to see
that we both have something to gain from becoming open to relationships with
other people--I get to have the emotional and physical connections with
people that I need, and RM is going to get to explore his sexual feelings
for men. This has necessitated a huge paradigm shift on both our parts, for
me the idea of taking responsibility for and ownership of my part of our
relationship, and for RM the idea of being open to the world, not afraid to
be vulnerable to people and to be open to what the universe will send our
way.
We are still negotiating what this all means for us on emotional and
pragmatic levels--RM still needs our relationship to be safe and secure, and
I am beginning to see how much of that is my responsibility. We have privacy
and comfort-level issues with "coming out", both as a poly couple and for RM
as a bisexual man, even with our poly friends. We are trying to figure out
what our next "real-world" step is--unlike many of the other people here, we
are not coming from the position of already being part of a poly
relationship.Poly has not found us; we are looking for poly. We
are figuring out what "kind" of poly relationship we want--we like the model
of the polyfidelitous triad, but we are trying to not be overwhelmed by the
thought of trying to find the needle in the haystack of an appropriate
partner (Wanted: attractive, intelligent, non-smoking bisexual guy, between
35-50, gamer, sci-fi fan, preferably with 6-8 year old daughter---right).
I plan to write about how these issues play out for us...as we "get
out more", discover what poly means for us and how it all works. I don't
know if this exploration will be interesting to anyone else; our situation
seems kind of unique to me, but maybe some of our issues and solutions will
be useful to others.
Pegasus & Renaissance Man; December 08, 2005
Pegasus & Renaissance Man are contributing writers as well as members of this online Community. They can be contacted here or through our message board Forums.
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